Lemons seem to be our lot in life, but sometimes I get tired of drinking lemonade. Sometimes I'd much rather have root beer, and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to make root beer with lemons.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I have to say, first off, that this isn't as much a post as it is a short story I wrote last year that I really like. I hope you enjoy!

It all started with the Fritos. It was the Fritos that took the warmth of dislike and fanned it into a flame of passionate hatred.
You see, we started dating. He was relatively attractive and I was naive. I liked him, I really did, but one day we were hanging out and he had these Fritos. I love Fritos, so I went to grab some. He firmly shook his head.
"I never share my Fritos."
And from that moment on our relationship has just gone downhill. There he sat, talking and laughing with his mouth full of Fritos like he ruled the world. Crunching them with his mouth wide open, rubbing his enjoyment in my hungry face.
I know it's irrational, but I hated him.
"I never share my Fritos."? What kind of rule was that? An idiot rule, that's what.
Oh, how I hated him.
Ever since then I found more reasons to hate him. He irons his towels, and his second toe is bigger than the first, and sometimes he says I'm crazy.
That's why I went to his house today with a bag of poisoned Fritos. I just smiled, handed them too him, and said good bye.

So, that's about it. It's a really, really, short story. But I found it amusing, so hopefully you did too. Anyway, I'm off.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Perils of Dating

I am perfectly willing to admit that I don't really enjoy being single. Not to say that I am unhappy about it, or that I let it ruin my life. But it's not really my favorite thing either.
Now we get to the dilemma. I don't know how to get out of being single because in order to be in a relationship you have to start with dating (gulp).
Come now, and let us be honest with ourselves. Dating, no matter how casual it is, is kind of a scary prospect. And not just because it has the potential of leading to some kind of commitment. With every date you have the very real possibility of running into one or all of the following unpleasant experiences.
The Awkward Silence
This particular peril generally occurs when you decide to be brave and ask that cute person in you math class that you barely know. The problem? You don't really know them and therefore don't really know if you have anything in common. These moments go something like this.
"How about that math test last week?"
"Ummm..... Good.... I guess."
Suddenly you're talking about math, and that, my friends, does not really make for a romantic first date. Unless of course you really like math. Then I guess this kind of date would be positively idyllic for you.
The Motor Mouth
If you have a firm "no cute person from math class" policy then this peril might be the one you face the most. This generally occurs when you or your date is trying to avoid The Awkward Silence
The basic idea is that one of you is talking so much, and so rapidly, that the other can't really get a word in edgewise. There are several problems with this. Firstly, one of you isn't talking. Secondly, the person talking looks stupid, self-centered, and really nervous. Thirdly, the looking stupid and feeling nervous often leads the person talking to really strange topics. These moments look something like this:
"... and that's why I've never really understood Wiccans. Anyway, that's really all I have to say about that. So, have you ever been clamming? Really? That's odd. I hear it's a messy business anyway. You know my brother? The one in Australia? Yeah, he's pretty cool...etc."
Now, I plead guilty for this particular crime. But I cry mercy as well. If you ever happen to be on a date with me, or even having a simple conversation, just shut me up. Change the subject, and talk rationally about something... well, normal.
The Unequal Attraction
This one has very little to do with the two above. This happens when you didn't really even know the asker existed until they asked you.
This situation generally reveals itself in this way:
It's the end of the night and he is bringing you to the front step. You sigh in relief. This has been the longest hour of your life.
You get to your door and you turn to each other.
"I had a fantastic time!" He says enthusiastically.
"...Me too." You reply, less enthusiastically.
Then he hugs you, and it's one of those long, drawn-out, hugs. Suddenly you realize that he actually thought this was a good date, and you're rapidly trying to think of a good excuse to avoid another one.
"So what are you doing next Saturday?" He asks hopefully.
"Oh, darn. I'm going to be waterskiing with my second cousin who just got back from his foreign exchange program in Hong Kong."
"That's too bad..." He says dejectedly, "How about the Saturday after that?"
"Oh, well, my grandma is getting surgery....etc."
Generally, in these situations, I would go with these two bits of advice. Firstly, maybe just go on the second date, and if it sucks again then you can go with my second bit of advice which is be honest. Just say, "Hey, these dates have really sucked, never talk to me again." Or something like that.

In conclusion I have one thing to say. Dating is a necessary evil. We all have to eventually go through this extremely awkward, and momentously unpleasant,  experience. But I have advice to help with that too.
First off, go into it with the idea that you genuinely want to get to know the other person. If you start thinking about the other person positively then the whole thing will go a lot better, and trust me, you'll enjoy it a whole lot more. To go along with the first one, have several very thoughtful questions planned for when you experience the awkward silence. Think of questions that will get the other person talking, not just questions that require one word answers. And if, in the end, you're really not attracted to the person, then at least you've made a pretty awesome friend.
There now, that didn't hurt so bad.