A More Positive View

Ok, ok. I understand that my previous post was a bit whiny and a bit out of character. The good news is that a few hours after that post I was in a much better mood and I wrote this more positive companion poem for the first one.

An Appropriate Cliche

I want
too many things.
It's easy to be
distracted by that.

As Ms. Austen would say,
a social defect with no cure,
such as selfishness,
must always be forgiven.

I'm not above using a
limpworn phrase to say it.

I want you to be happy.

If taking myself out of the equation accomplishes that,
then I am willing to oblige.

getting angry isn't fair.
an apology is appropriate

Self-reflection somehow results
in humble pie

if I can keep my foot
out of my mouth long enough
to get a bitter taste of
regret and fruit filling
then maybe I'll have time to add:

the best things in life are free,
especially from strings,
and my friendship is definitely one of
the best things in life.


I hope that was a bit reassuring.

The Push Away

It's not like this blog has a specific purpose anyway, but here I go in another random direction. This is a poem. I don't pretend to be a master, but I needed these words to be out there, whether they were read or not.

Get Ready for the Push Away

I can only call this thing

messed up

so many times.

Passive aggressive, I know,

but I'm walking away.

I know you won't follow,

but nothing less than being 

locked out

will make you

want in.

We've spoken

We've laughed

We've shared

everything adds up.

But you won't do the math

Not that it should be math...

Like Elizabeth Browning, I'm not sure love can or should be quantified.

Love doesn't run out anyway,

because it's not like a 

shampoo bottle

that you use

until it's

empty

It's like an empty book

that you fill with words and

images. You can close it, but you 

never run out of pages, you never run out...

So, how do I love you?

As far as the distance to your door.

Any further is more than you want.

Choosing to end it, choosing to close the book,

makes it finite, measurable, quantifiable.

Oh, look! I guess I quantified it in the end.

Not light-hearted, I know, but I was feeling a bit inspired. I suppose my habit of running away came in handy for something. Ummm... something less angsty next time, I promise.

The Game

This post is about dating. Now, before you all start rolling your eyes and stop reading, just hear me out, because I think this is a unique(ish) way of looking at things, and if you don't get a laugh out of it then you can stop following me. It's not like I'm religious about posting on this thing anyway...

Dating is a game. I've always found this to be an incredibly frustrating aspect of dating, but time and again I have come to find that it's pretty true. Why is it frustrating to me? Well, I'm not competitive, I'm no good with strategy, I lack confidence, and in general I would just like everything to be easy (whatever happened to the idea of two people genuinely just liking each other and wanting to spend time together? Or rather, why does it take so much work to get to that?). Unfortunately, it's not easy. It's awful.

Here's the honest truth. I haven't tried very hard to date. Not really. I'm so scared of the actual real dating concept that if an opportunity arises I usually run as fast as my average length legs can carry me in the opposite direction. But from my observations (and advice I was given that I ultimately haven't taken yet) I have come to a conclusion. Dating is a game, but it's not the game everyone seems to think it is.

I used to think dating was like chess. You out-maneuver your opponent until they are finally caught in an impossible position, then you win. As a girl, it is all about being just forward enough to get your point across without being pushy or creepy, as a boy it's all about having all of the right lines and the right gestures. This outlook was a bit cynical, especially if you consider how much I dislike playing chess (mostly because I've only ever played it three times in my life and I never really had a clue what was going on. You can know how the pieces move and still be completely lost). 

Recently (last night), I came to the conclusion that dating is like the Pokemon card game. 

Pretend with me, for a moment, that you are a Pokemon. As a Pokemon you have a card and that card describes how much power you have and what your special abilities are. When you are played against other Pokemon cards the winner is determined by how much power and ability you have (as well as some luck. Unfortunately, every game requires a little luck). 

So, the point is that you need to make your Pokemon card as awesome as possible. You need to think about your perfect girl/guy (who is imperfect, because no one wants to date a robot), then you need to consider what kind of partner this girl/guy would find irresistible. Then you need to strive to become that person. You’re still you, but like a Pokemon, you evolve and become more powerful and harder to beat (not to mention, rarer and more worth having). Not only that, but you get the added bonus of being a pretty awesome person, because let’s face it, the girl/guy of your dreams wouldn't find anything less than awesome irresistible. 

Literature

Ok, I'm an English major. I admit it.
There are a few things that I've learned about life in my time as an English major. First: English majors are an interesting group of humans. We analyze literature and write about it and no one seems to understand why, but once you learn these skills you can't seem to stop. Second: Despite being misunderstood, analyzing literature can actually be quite helpful (and fun!).
I had to read Hamlet recently. Now, Shakespeare can be a challenge, even for an English major, but I learned some pretty important stuff about myself, and everyone else, from studying this play, so I thought I'd share my findings.
Hamlet is an unfortunate prince who finds out from a ghost that his uncle killed his father. This information causes Hamlet to go into deep thought about, well, everything. "What's so great about humans? Is death better? What is fidelity anyway? Should I kill my uncle?" are just a few of the things Hamlet contemplates. He also spends much of the play acting a little crazy and telling his girlfriend to get to a nunnery. In the end Hamlet, his girlfriend, his uncle/step-dad, his mother, his girlfriend's father, and his girlfriend's brother all die (also Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, but nobody really thinks about those two).
What do people think Hamlet's problem is? Well, he thinks too much. He hesitates to act. And people die because of it (sort of).
Now, I don't have any big moral issues to argue with myself about. I'm not trying to decide if it's a good idea to kill my uncle or if I think ghosts are real. I have, however, been hesitating over some pretty important decisions. I know for a fact that I've thought too much about these choices. How do I know that? Well, there has literally been some crying and rocking back and forth on the floor about these things going on. The truth is that I've known what I needed to do all along, I've just been putting it off trying to decide if it's really the right thing. So I had a similar problem to Hamlet. I was thinking more than I was acting (a lot more in fact), but after seeing my actions reflected so well in this play I came to realize that my hesitation was silly, my freak outs were pointless, and my choices were good ones. I just needed to act, and stop thinking about it.
I guess there are two points to this post. First: Once you know what you've got to do, stop thinking about it. You'll only mess yourself up with too much thinking. Second: Analyzing plays and books and poems can teach us about ourselves and help us live our lives more effectively. So don't sit around wondering why English majors only read books all the time, it's more productive than you might think.
Happy thought of the day? Read a book. You might learn something!